Breaking down walls
by hollygolightly87
Summary: Focusses on the relationship between Rachel and Lindsey. Set after episode 5.10. Lindsey looks herself in her room. Marion asks Rachel to come over. Rachel tries to win Lindsey's trust, but she is struggling to reach her. Some Rhris fluff here and there.
1. Chapter 1

**Part 1**

The call came around 6 in the evening. Rachel was sitting on the sofa in her living room, sipping an early glass of red wine. It was the start of the holidays, after all. She had just hung up the phone with Chris and they had arranged to see each other in a bit. This had left her with a warm, fuzzy feeling in her stomach and his voice was still lingering on her mind. _See you later. _Three simple words that meant so much because he had said them. She would see him later. The sound of the phone jerked Rachel back to reality. Her stomach jolted. Would it be him again?

"Hello."

"Hello, is this Rachel Mason?" she recognized the voice somehow, but was puzzled for a moment.

"It's Marion James, Lindsey's mum. Sorry to be calling you during the holidays. You gave me your card."

"Yes, of course, that's no problem at all."

There was a pause.

"What happened?"

"It's Lindsey." Rachel heard the sound of breath being sucked in quickly to suppress a sob.

"She has locked herself in her room. She is not responding any more and I can't hear anything."

Rachel's heart began to race, but she forced herself to be calm.

"How long has she been in there?"

"Since yesterday afternoon." That was more than 24 hours.

"Why haven't you called the police?" She tried not to sound reproachful, but her increasing panic wouldn't let her.

"I told her I would get them to break down the door if she didn't respond to me. She then put a note under the door. _I won't hurt myself, I promise._ That was this morning. I believe her, I think, but I'm still freaking out."

There was another pause.

"Would you like me to come over?" Rachel asked, the softness was back in her voice.

She heard a big sigh of relief.

"Yes. If you wouldn't mind, please come over."

"I'm on my way."

Rachel stood up and grabbed her car keys and her black coat. As she was about to open the front door, she hesitated and went back to the phone. He picked up after the first ring.

"Chris, it's me. I'm sorry, I cannot see you tonight. It's an emergency. It's Lindsey."

"Oh, ok. Can I do anything?"

"Not right now, I don't think so. I will call you later and explain everything. I'm going over to the James's now."

"Take care of yourself."

Ten minutes later Rachel got out of the car and quickly reached the door. 2 seconds after she'd rang the doorbell, Lindsey's mum opened. She had dark shadows under her eyes and looked exhausted, but she smiled faintly at Rachel and thanked her for coming.

"Where is Emily?" asked Rachel, suddenly wondering.  
"She's at a sleepover at a friend's house. I told her Lindsey had the flu. Not sure she believed me, but when I called she sounded fine."

"I'm sure it's best for her to be out of the way. Where is Lindsey's room?"

"Upstairs, first on the left."

Rachel started to walk up the stairs. Mrs James did not follow her, she still stood next to the front door, frozen. Rachel did not mind. She had no clue what to do. Having a terrified mother watching her every move wouldn't help.

As she reached Lindsey's door, she stood still for a moment. Should she just knock? No. She didn't expect Lindsey to open the door to her, not right now, and she didn't want her to feel like she did. Rachel sat down, still wearing her coat, with her back to the door, her hands resting on her knees. Two, three minutes passed.  
"Lindsey." She said softly, but loud enough to be heard through the door.

"It's Miss Mason. I'm here."

Behind the door, lying on the floor curled up like an embryo, Lindsey opened her eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

**Part 2**

Lindsey was lying a few feet away from the door, with her back turned to it. Rachel's words resonated within her chest. She couldn't connect to them properly, but they moved something inside her. For the past hours, or was it just minutes, nothing had moved. She had just felt numb. Exactly as she wanted to. She didn't want to _feel any more_. But Miss Mason's words made her feel something. It was the tiniest sparkle of something she hadn't felt in a while. It was yearning. Lindsey wasn't ready to feel again. So she closed her eyes.

Rachel didn't know what to do next. Not the faintest response had followed her words. Had Lindsey even heard her? Was she conscious? Had she done harm to herself in spite of her promise to her mum? Rachel felt a sudden urge to break down the door she was leaning against. But she knew deep down that she had to trust Lindsey. Breaking the door down, the wall Lindsey had built between herself and the world, was an act of violence. Since the day of the trial, when Lindsey had asked her what to do and had followed her advice, Rachel knew that she was trusting her. She didn't want to lose that trust. So she remained silent, leaning her head back against the door.

Seconds, minutes or hours, she didn't know or care, passed. Lindsey drifted away again. She wanted so much to escape. To hide, the way she hadn't been able to when she was with her dad. But her mind did not stay blank. Dark shapes started surrounding her. She felt their hands reaching for her, big, man's hands… Lindsey's muscles contracted and she let out the faintest cry of desperation. Her mind wasn't safe.

Rachel thoughts were suddenly interrupted when she heard the hardly audible, high-pitched wail behind the door. It wasn't a scream, nor a proper cry. But it echoed of pain and fear. Her heart ached.

"Lindsey."

"Don't be afraid. I'm here with you. You're not alone."

Those were just words. Stupid, meaningless words that had been said and not meant too many times. But Rachel meant it. All she could do was hope that Lindsey was able to believe that.

She wondered where Marion was. She knew it wasn't for the lack of love that she wasn't here with her in front of the door. She knew Marion loved her children with all her heart. But she was trapped in this twisted family history and her own pain made her unable to move, as if she was stuck in a puddle of tar.

Rachel on the other hand was an outsider. She was able to see things more clearly, and although she knew that she had gotten involved a great deal with the fortune of this family, and that Lindsey mattered to her, although she didn't want to admit it, almost like a daughter, she had the necessary distance to help. If only she knew how. She hoped that her mere presence helped, if anything.


	3. Chapter 3

Part 3

Rachel was arguing in her head about what she should do next when she heard footsteps. Marion was coming up the stairs. Rachel stood up.

Marion waved at her shyly, motioning her to come downstairs. Whatever she had to say, she obviously didn't want Lindsey to hear. Rachel hesitated for a moment. What if Lindsey, unlikely as it may be, chose this particular moment to open the door when she had gone?

"Lindsey, I will back soon." She said in as firm a voice as she could master.

Marion looked at her with wide, frightened eyes. Her helplessness was plainly visible. Rachel followed her downstairs. The entered the kitchen. Marion leaned against the sink, clutching the counter.  
"I… I just wanted to tell you something. I think I might know what upset Lindsey. I mean, I know she has been upset more or less non-stop since the day my husband… But today, her solicitor called. After she hung up, Lindsey wouldn't tell me what had been said. She just shut down. An hour later or so she had disappeared into her room, and when I followed her, the door was locked." Marion looked at the black and white tiles. She looked almost like Lindsey, when she had asked Rachel whether she would accompany her to the trial.

"Do you have any idea what the solicitor might have said?"

"I guess it must have been about the upcoming trial. But I don't know."

Rachel sat down on one of the kitchen chairs. What did this mean? What could have upset Lindsey so much that she shut everyone out, including her mum, who she had just been reunited with?

"She needs to eat something, and drink." Marion said with a sudden panic in her voice.

Before Rachel could say anything, they heard doors open and close upstairs. Both women froze and looked up. Marion ran towards the kitchen door.

"Don't." said Rachel, and Marion stopped. Rachel knew she was interfering, but she couldn't help herself.

"Lindsey knows we're downstairs. She probably just needed the bathroom. I think it might be important to respect her decision and let her chose when to come to us, for now. At least we know she's moving around." They heard doors slam again. Lindsey had gone back to her room.

Marion's face was contorted. She was struggling with herself. Rachel guessed that Marion's urge to get to Lindsey and to put her arms around her was stronger than anything else, but for some reason she felt that this was important.  
"I'm not a trained psychologist. I'm just following my gut here." She admitted.

Marion slowly sat down on a chair opposite her. She leaned on the table and buried her face in her hands, but she did not cry.

"If it's okay with you, I'd like to go back upstairs. I have a feeling Lindsey feels terribly guilty about you, like she is to blame for what happened. It might be easier for her to open up to someone outside her family. But I respect your decisions." Rachel said, sounding more confident than she felt.

Marion looked up into Rachel's eyes. They were warm and full of concern. Marion felt so excruciatingly tired, and compared to her Rachel seemed so strong. So she nodded.

"Okay" said Rachel quietly "I might need a cup of coffee though"

The idea of something as mundane and simple as a cup of coffee suddenly seemed immensely comforting.

"Of course." Marion got up and boiled the kettle.

Lindsey had opened her eyes again. Feelings in her body had forced her back into her room. Her throat was dry. _I'm thirsty – _she realized after a few seconds. And she needed the bathroom. So slowly, very slowly, she stood up. When her hand grabbed the door key, she hesitated for a moment. She could hear voices downstairs. So no-one was close by. She turned the key around and opened the door. No-one was there. With a few steps she had reached the bathroom and closed the door behind herself. She looked in the mirror. Her face showed anger, even loathing. She didn't like what she saw. So she looked away and splashed some water in her face. It suddenly made her feel alive. Lindsey wasn't sure whether she liked it or not. She drank some water from the tab, realizing just how thirsty she was. Then she went to the loo and two minutes later had locked herself in her room again. She slid down the door and sat down leaning against it. Just how Rachel had sat there a few minutes before, only on the other side.


	4. Chapter 4

I've already written 15 parts and published them on waterlooroadtv, will add them soon! Thanks for reviewing!

_Part 4_

Balancing a cup of steaming hot coffee, Rachel walked up the stairs again. What had seemed to Marion like strength and a clear idea what to do crumbled the closer she got to the door. Who was she kidding? She didn't have a clue what was best. Lindsey's soul had been tormented for years, so much that she had found the strength, yes, literally the strength, to kill her own father. How could she possibly deal with the devastating wounds Lindsey had to be carrying on the inside? With a great deal of effort, Rachel tried to shut these doubts about her competence out of her head. She had chosen this route, now she would try to give it her best shot. She sat down again against the door.

It suddenly occurred to her to check her phone, which was on silent. 1 new message. _Are you okay? Thinking of you. _Rachel smiled to herself and replied. _I'm okay._ She didn't know what else to say. That had to be enough. Now she had to focus on the task at hand. No more distractions. Sweet distractions.

She took a sip of coffee. The warmth felt good, and so did the strong, bitter taste.

"I'm back."

"I'm sitting in front of your door drinking coffee." How stupid these words sounded. But they were the truth.

Lindsey froze when she heard Miss Mason's words. Did she know Lindsey was right there, sitting at the door? She didn't dare to move. The sudden feeling of closeness was overwhelming.

"If you want to talk, I will listen. We can talk through the door, if you like."

What was there to say? Lindsey didn't have any words.

Rachel waited, hoping. No reply. She wasn't surprised, but she had hoped. Somehow she wanted to fill the silence.

"I've been meaning to tell you. You were very brave at the trial. You can be proud of yourself."

Lindsey let out the tiniest laugh. Proud of herself? For what? Ruining her family?

Rachel heard a faint sound in reply to her last words. Lindsey had been listening, hadn't she? She was getting through to her, somehow.

"I know you're not feeling proud. To be honest I don't know what you are feeling. But I'm trying to understand you."

Lindsey wanted to answer. She wanted to say that it felt like someone had taken her insides and firmly tied a rope around them, pulling them together. She wanted to say that she could not stop hearing her father's voice, feeling his hands on her, his sick ideas hammering themselves in her brain. But she felt like her vocal cords had been taken out of her throat. Her father had often placed his hand over her mouth to keep her quiet. He might be dead, but she still felt it there.


	5. Chapter 5

_Part 5_

Rachel knew she had to go on quickly. Somehow she had managed to get a response from Lindsey, even if it was tiny. She didn't want to lose the fragile connection they seemed to have managed to build.

"What your father did to you was terrible. It will take time for you to heal and I'm not promising you that it will be easy. But there are people here who want to help you. I'm here and your mum's here. We're on your side. We're here for you if you… if you chose to let us in."

The last words were spoken with emphasis. Rachel paused again.

"What ever has happened or whatever makes you feel like you need to shut yourself away, you can tell me about it."

Lindsey slowly turned her head to the right so that her cheek rested against the door. Slowly she lifted her left hand and laid it next to her face, palm against the door. Then a sigh escaped her lips.

Rachel wasn't sure if she had heard something or whether her mind was playing tricks on her. She just did not know how to get the girl to open up to her. Then she thought back to the day when she had found Lindsey under the tree and she had finally opened up to her, exposing a horrible secret Rachel had never expected. _Tell me – _she had said back then, two simple words that meant everything.

"Tell me."

Lindsey closed her eyes as she felt tears welling up in them. Stupid weak little cry baby, she thought. But she couldn't help it. Rachel's words had released the barrier she had built since she had broken down in court. She had not cried a single tear since then. She was afraid that if she did, she might not be able to stop, that she might drown in them. But now they were filling her eyes until they finally spilled over. The hand she had been resting against the door clenched into a fist that she pressed against her forehead. Her breath quickened and her shoulders started shaking violently. After a brief struggle Lindsey's few remaining powers subsided and she started sobbing.

As soon as she heard Lindsey frantic sobs, Rachel turned around and pressed her hands against the door.

"Lindsey."

She could hear that she was right there, behind the door. Right there but far out of reach at the same time. Rachel's heart ached at the sound of Lindsey's pain. Yet again she had to stop herself from trying to open the door with force.

"Lindsey. Please open the door."

Then, unexpectedly, in between the sharp intakes of air and releases of sobs, distorted but clearly audible, Lindsey replied –

"No."


	6. Chapter 6

Part 6

Rachel was taken aback by the unexpected reply.

"Okay." She said, trying to sound as accepting and sympathetic as possible.

She could hear that Lindsey was still crying heart-wrenchingly.

"I'll be here if and when you change your mind." As she said those words, she reflected. How long would it take for Lindsey to come out? How long could they tolerate her decision without jeopardizing her health and safety? And finally, how long could she, her headmistress, sit in front of the door and wait?

"I'm not going anywhere for now." She said firmly, more to herself than to Lindsey.

She's not going anywhere, Lindsey repeated to herself over and over again. Slowly, her breathing started to slow down and her sobs faded away. Lindsey wiped her face with the back of her hand, still resting it against the door. Then she fell silent.

Suddenly it dawned on Rachel what she had to do. She needed to give Lindsey something of herself, if she was to have any hope of getting something out of her in return. She knew she was crossing a boundary and was being unprofessional, but at that moment she did not care.

"If I were you I would probably do the same thing. In fact I have done so in the past, not your way or under your circumstances, but I have shut people out when I was in despair. I will tell you why I did that and maybe it will be familiar to you, maybe it won't –"

Rachel hesitated. This wasn't easy for her. She was treading on thin ice. They were painful memories that she hadn't revisited in a long time. She drew a deep breath.

"I am afraid that if people see me being vulnerable, I will get hurt. And I'm ashamed when I cannot be as strong as people expect me to be. It's human. So when I felt vulnerable, I built walls around me. I still do that sometimes." She smiled to herself weakly.

"But the problem is, that if you do that, you cannot connect to other people beyond the surface. You cannot enjoy real closeness and you cannot be seen as who you truly are."

Rachel paused. Her mind wandered back to Chris. Yes, she had let her guard down with him, it was a start. But she wasn't able to pull the walls down completely yet. Her heart was still bearing scars, not allowing her to open it fully. It wasn't surprising then, that Lindsey kept her walls up given what she'd been through, and for a moment the situation seemed impossible to solve. Rachel felt a renewed surge of helplessness. Maybe she wasn't the right person to help Lindsey after all.

"I haven't really asked you if you wanted me to stay. Maybe that's not what you want or need. So I'm asking you to tell me honestly if you want me to leave."

"Don't." It was said quietly, but there was fearful determination in Lindsey's voice. It was like a little child's outcry.

"Okay... I will just sit with you then."

Both remained motionless, each lost in their own thoughts. Time passed, neither of them noticed. Lindsey suddenly felt exhausted again. She slowly slid sideways to the floor until she was back in her embryo position, never losing contact with the door.

"How are you doing over there, Lindsey?"

Without thinking about it, Lindsey replied.

"I'm tired."

"I bet you are. So am I, as a matter of fact."

Rachel wondered. She looked at her watch. It was past 11 o'clock. Could she go home, have a quick rest, and then come back? Or was it a mistake to leave Lindsey now? But Rachel needed to recharge her resources, if she was to be of any help.

"How would you feel about both of us getting some sleep? We can talk again in the morning."

There was a brief pause, then Lindsey replied.

"Okay."

"I hope you can get some sleep."

Rachel decided not to make any comments about Lindsey possibly coming out of her room or not.

"I will come by again, tomorrow."

Rachel stood up. Her legs had become stiff from staying in the same position for so long. She turned towards the stairs.

"Wait."

Rachel turned around again.

"Yes, Lindsey?"

"Thank you."

Downstairs, Marion was stirring a cup of tea, staring into nothingness. When Rachel came into the kitchen she looked up at her questioningly, but without much hope.

"I think Lindsey is going to get some sleep now. She still hasn't opened the door, but she has spoken a few words and said she was tired. She must be completely exhausted, poor girl.

"What else did she say?"

Rachel repeated the conversation, if you could call it that, to Marion, leaving out the very personal bits about her own feelings.

"If it's okay with you I would like to come back in the morning. I told Lindsey I would."

"Yes, of course. Thank you so much."

"You should try and get some sleep too." Rachel briefly laid her hand on Marion's shoulder, then she left.

In her car, Rachel leaned back and closed her eyes for a moment. She felt like she had just run a marathon. Then she turned the key and turned the lights on. Her hand stopped midway to first gear. She took out her phone and pressed redialling.

"Hello."

"Chris, it's me. Can I come over?" She sounded tired, almost desperate.

"Of course. I can't wait to see you." After a pause –

"Have you eaten anything?"

"Erm, no." Rachel replied, realizing just then how hungry she was.


	7. Chapter 7

_Part 7_

Chris opened the front door. There she was, smiling. It wasn't a wide, enthusiastic smile, rather a shy one with a question mark. Rachel suddenly looked fragile, unlike the steady appearance she displayed at work.

"Hi. Come on in."

Rachel stepped inside. Without warning or words she put her arms around him and rested her head on his chest.

"Hi" she finally said.

He just held her. They melted into each other, becoming still as a statue.

She's gone, Lindsey thought to herself. That thought ached. Lindsey crawled to her bed, pulled herself up at the side and vanished beneath the cover.

When Rachel finally found the strength to let go, Chris had taken her hand and led her to the living room. Rachel gratefully sank into the sofa.

"You look like you had one hell of a night."

"You could say that."

"You can tell me all about it. I'll be right back."

He disappeared into what she assumed was the kitchen. She heard the sound of liquid being poured and rummaging through cutlery. Rachel looked around. It was a single man's apartment, no doubt, but it had its charm. The furniture was practical, but cosy. He didn't seem to be overly neat, judging from the messy arrangement of books and cds on his shelfs, but he wasn't careless. The glass couch table in front of her was clean. He was using coasters. Funny, she thought to herself, here I am thinking about coasters, as if they mattered.

Chris came back smiling, carrying a glass of red wine and plate of what looked like Pasta Bolognese. The smell made Rachel's mouth water. She was starving.

"You're a star. That's just what I need."

Chris but the glass down and handed her the plate.

"I'm not much of a cook, but this is my mum's recipe." He chuckled.

"Thank you." Rachel started eating, taking big heaps of pasta at a time.

"It's yummy." She said in between two bites.

"Glad you like it."

He had sat down next to her, watching her from the side. They weren't completely used to each other yet, and he often wondered who this beautiful woman really was.

When Rachel had satisfied the worst surge of hunger, she put the plate down and wiped her face on the paper napkin he had brought along. Then she leaned sideways towards him, until her head rested on his shoulder. She suddenly felt needy and didn't care anymore about her cautious attitude.

He waited, not wanting to push her. Finally, she began to talk. She told him about the situation at Lindsey's house, the little progress she thought she had made with Lindsey, and her own insecurities.

"I really don't know if I'm doing the right thing. Maybe I should have called in professional help from the start."

"I don't know. They may be more experience with this sort of thing, but they don't know Lindsey as well as you do. And more importantly, Lindsey trusts you."

"I hope you're right." Rachel sighed.

Lindsey woke up in the middle of the night, finding herself screaming into her pillow. It took her a while to realize that she was safe, in her bed, with no one else around. It was just a nightmare. Strange, she thought to herself, I'm screaming when it happens in dream, but I never once screamed when it happened for real.

It was long past midnight when they finally went to bed. Rachel had fallen asleep on the couch mid-conversation, her head resting on Chris's lap. He carefully woke her, telling her it was time to go to bed. She got up and followed him upstairs, glad she didn't have to spend the night alone with her own thoughts.


	8. Chapter 8

_Part 8_

Rachel opened her eyes. White sheets. She rolled around. Chris. He was fast asleep. Memories of falling asleep in his arms flooded back to her. How good that had felt. Rachel was tempted to snuggle up to him and stay in bed for a little longer, but she knew all too well what she had told Lindsey. She felt a sense of urgency every time she thought about the girl, and it made her climb out of bed, despite what part of her craved for. She was wearing one of Chris's t-shirts. The sleepover had not been planned. She brushed her teeth with the spare toothbrush (Was he keeping one ready for female guests?) and put yesterday's clothes back on. She decided to quickly stop by her house and get changed on the way to Lindsey's house.

"Good morning." Chris called sleepily from the bedroom.

"Good morning." She replied, while trying to sort her hair out in front of the mirror. Then she went back.

"You're up early." Chris was still in bed, lying sideways, his head propped up by his hand, watching her.

"Not really, it's passed nine a o'clock, I'd be in school already."

"Yeah, but it's the holidays."

"I know."

Rachel sat down on the side of the bed, looking down at him.

"I've got to go back to Lindsey's house I'm afraid. I told her I'd come back."

He stroked the back of her hand that was resting in front of his chest. There was a moment of silence as they looked at each other.

"You're a good person. You care so much about other people." Chris said, finally.

"Comes with the job I guess. So do you."

"Well, I certainly care about you."

Rachel blushed and looked away.

Marion opened the door. She did not look like she had had a particularly restful night. Her eyes looked even more sunken in. But she managed a smile as she let Rachel in.

"Any news?" Rachel asked.

"No. Lindsey is still in her room. I don't know why she won't let me in." Marion's voice broke during the last words. Rachel could see that Marion's nerves were stretched to breaking point. She laid her arm on her shoulder and motioned her towards the kitchen.

"I bet you haven't left the house in days."

Marion shook her head.

"I'm here now. How about you get some fresh air? Go for a walk, drive, whatever. If anything happens, I will call you immediately. Where is Em by the way?"

"She's still at her friend's house. I don't want her to feel like I don't want her at home."

"You could pick her up and spend some time with her."

"Maybe that would be a good idea."

"I don't mean to tell you what to do though, these are just suggestions."

"It's ok. I can't think straight at the moment, so I'm grateful for your advice."

Marion got up. She could hardly bare the situation in the house, but at the same time she did not want to leave Lindsey.

"I'll be back in an hour max. Thank you."

Lindsey had woken up early. The first thing she noticed was that she felt hungry. She couldn't remember the last time she had eaten. But at the same time she felt very weak. She wanted to never have to get out of her bed again. Maybe she would eventually disappear. She did not mind that her stomach was craving for food. The sensation was strangely disconnected from her. Like it was felt by someone else's body.

Rachel felt strangely relieved when Marion had left the house. The fear a mother felt for her child was elementary. It hung in the air in thick clouds when Marion was around and it made Rachel feel even more under pressure. But now she was alone in the house with Lindsey. Was that really such a good thing? She took a deep breath and made her way up to Lindsey's room.


	9. Chapter 9

_Part 9_

Rachel wasn't sure whether to knock or not. So she stood hesitantly in front of the door for a moment. She decided against knocking but still laid her hand against the door, as if that made her closer to Lindsey.

"Lindsey. It's Miss Mason. I'm back."

Rachel paused and listened. No sound. Was Lindsey even awake?

"If you would like to come out and talk, or not talk, or do whatever you like to…."

Lindsey had been drifting in and out of consciousness when she heard Miss Mason's voice. She opened her eyes and listened. No, she did not want to talk. That was the one thing she did not want to do – _talk about it._ Why did everyone want her to talk about it? She squeezed her eyes shut and clenched the duvet. Scenes from the trial passed through her head over and over again. And she thought of herself sitting in front of Miss Mason, telling her the truth, and then asking her what to do. Now Miss Mason was here again.

Rachel stood still with her hand on the door for a moment. It took all of her self-control not to rattle the doorknob and shout at Lindsey to let her in. But she knew that Marion had tried all that in vain. So she didn't. More than anything she wanted Lindsey to be the one who opened the door.

Lindsey felt strangely drawn towards the door. She felt as if something stronger than herself puller her towards it. She knew she didn't want to open it, yet she could not help but sit up in her bed, put her feet on the ground, and stand up. Immediately she felt as if she would black out. Her body was drained of energy, yet she forced herself to take one step at a time towards the door. When she reached it she leaned against it, exhausted and breathing quickly, once again sinking down to the floor.

Rachel's hand touched the door handle, but she did not pull it down. Then she froze as she heard Lindsey move towards the door. She held her breath in anticipation, praying that this was the moment Lindsey would finally let her in. But the moment passed. She heard Lindsey slide down the door and sit down. After a moment of painful disappointment, Rachel sat down too. There they were again.

"You're back." Lindsey said matter-of-factly.

"I'm back." Rachel affirmed. At least Lindsey was talking to her.

"How are you feeling today, Lindsey?"

"I… I don't know."

"No one else can know but you, Lindsey."

"I don't want to feel anything."

"I can understand that."

"Do you?" Lindsey sounded less childlike now, with adult cynicism added to her voice.

"Well, … I certainly know what it feels like to want everything to go away. But some things won't go away just because we would like them to." Rachel automatically touched her chest, where she was bearing the scar.

"I know that."

"Of course you do. But listen, let me tell you the facts. You can hide in your room for a good amount of time. God knows things have happened to you that would make anyone want to go into hiding. But you know, it won't make things go away. Not your past, your memories, your fears, and not your pain. And I'm not sure it is the best path for you to heal."

"I don't think I can ever heal." The small, child's voice was back. So were the tears, welling up in Lindsey's eyes against her will.


	10. Chapter 10

_Part 10_

Rachel pressed her lips firmly together as she realized her own eyes were becoming moist. This was so hard. How could she ever repair the damage that had been done to Lindsey? Well, it wasn't exactly her job to do that, but how could anyone ever do that? How could she speak words of hope and encouragement to Lindsey when she herself wasn't sure if there was any hope? If Lindsey got sent to prison,… she hardly dared to think that thought through. Prison was hardly the place where Lindsey could find peace for her soul and learn to trust people again. Then again, what had her solicitor told Lindsey that was so upsetting? Had she told her that she didn't stand a chance? Even if that was the truth, how could she say that to someone in such a fragile state? Well, Rachel didn't know. She blinked away the tears in her eyes took a deep breath.

"What did your solicitor say to you?" Maybe asking Lindsey directly was her only option.

Lindsey froze. Her crying became harder. She pressed her hands over her ears and buried her face in her knees. Then her hands dropped to cover her face. She did not want to think about it, but there was no escape.

"It must have been really upsetting." This wasn't a question.

"Maybe it would help you if you talked about it."

Lindsey felt anger rising in her chest. Her hands clenched into fists.

"I don't want to talk about it any more," she said between gritted teeth, emphasizing every single word.

"I respect that", said Rachel. What else could she do? To hell with respecting it, she wasn't getting anywhere. She sighed. Be patient, Rachel, be patient. She checked her phone. 1 new message. Her heart jolted. _How are things going? Wish you were here. _Rachel hit reply. _Going nowhere right now._ She hesitated. She wanted to ask him for advice, ask him to tell her what to do, but that wasn't fair. She had gotten herself involved in this mess, she was the one sitting in front of Lindsey's door, how could she expect anyone else to know what to do? Well, that and her reluctance to appear too needy to Chris. God, she _was_ needy. But she didn't have to rub that in his face every chance she got. Last night she had let her defences down more than ever before. That had felt good, but scary at the same time. So she added - _Miss you_ – and pressed send.

"I'm going to get myself a cup of coffee."

Rachel stood up. She needed a break. She did not really fancy coffee, or anything else, but she felt the strong need to do something constructive, other than sitting in front of a locked door, even if it was just boiling water and stirring coffee.

While she was downstairs, she heard Lindsey go to the bathroom again. This time she felt Marion's urge to run upstairs and intercept her in every muscle, but she forced herself to concentrate on the amount of milk she was adding to her coffee, her hands shaking. She didn't want to cheat. Even if fair play hadn't proven to be very successful so far.


	11. Chapter 11

_Part 11_

As Rachel was walking up the stairs, her heart almost stopped on the third step, when she looked up from the cup she was balancing. Lindsey's door was open by an inch. Rachel forced herself to take once step at a time, not to spill her coffee, to walk calmly, not to succumb to her instincts telling her to run.

When Lindsey came back from the bathroom and entered her room, she hesitated for a moment, as she was about to close the door. Her hand was firmly gripping the door handle, but came to a halt mid-movement. What was she waiting for? She knew Miss Mason was downstairs. She had deliberately waited for that to happen before she had left her room. She didn't want Miss Mason to see her. Did she?

Rachel approached the door, holding her breath. Had Lindsey left the door open for her to enter? She grabbed the door handle, ready to push the door open.  
"Lindsey?"

But as Rachel was able to peak into the room, she saw that Lindsey was standing right there, her pale face was staring at Rachel out of the shadows through the small door crack with big, frightened eyes, which showed clear signs of hours of crying.

"Lindsey", Rachel said again, her voice soft, but full of concern.

Lindsey had frozen on the spot. She could not escape the fighting of conflicting desires in her head, which were entangled in a deadly feud. Part of her wanted nothing more than to let Miss Mason in and to be held. Part of her was scared to death of any human contact. Both parts where sending furious commands to her hand on the door handle. Pull! Push! Pull! Push! The shouting in her head grew louder and the two voices became less distinct.

"Please, let me in." Rachel was almost begging.

Seconds passed. Both were fighting parts of themselves that wanted them to move forward. Rachel knuckles were turning white on the door handle. Finally, she couldn't control herself any longer and gave the door the tiniest, invisible push forward. But Lindsey felt it in her hand on the other side, and it released a surge of panic. The frightened part won. She pushed the door shut, overcoming Rachel's resistance by throwing her whole body against it. The part that was craving to be held let out a wretched cry of defeat as she sank to the floor.


	12. Chapter 12

Part 12

Rachel wanted to scream in frustration. The door was locked again, but she was still holding the handle, refusing to accept that she had lost. Lindsey had offered her a brief glance, the tiniest step towards her, but it had passed and Rachel had missed it. Lindsey had had the choice, between her and solitude, and had not chosen Rachel. Rachel felt hurt, angry at herself, angry at Lindsey for shutting her out, angry at Lindsey's father, worried sick and helpless, all at the same time. Rachel forced herself to take deep breaths to calm herself down. No-one would be helped if she lost it now. But part of her wanted to turn her back and admit defeat. But even stronger was the urge to finally get through to Lindsey. She had looked so small and hopeless. Rachel wanted to put her arms around her and tell her it would be okay, that she would get better, even if Rachel did not know if that was true.

The moment she had turned the key, relief and regret clashed in Lindsey's head. Part of her felt safe again. Unreachable again. Part of her felt abandoned. It didn't matter that she had been the one who had closed the door, she felt like she had been left completely alone. It's probably for the better, Lindsey said to herself. Who would want me anyway? If they could see beyond the surface, they'd see that she was damaged goods. She suddenly wished she could rip off her skin. It was dirty skin. Every bit of her body felt dirty. Since the day her father had laid hands on her for the first time, Lindsey hadn't felt like her body was truly hers, or like it could ever be clean again. She started scratching herself violently through her clothes. It didn't help.

Rachel let go of the door handle. She had to accept it, be patient. God, she was sick of being patient. Soon Marion would come home, full of hopes she had set in Rachel, and she would be disappointed. She would not say this to Rachel directly, but Rachel would be able to see it in her eyes. Rachel couldn't help but feel like she was letting everyone down. She obviously wasn't giving Lindsey what she needed. She had swept on the scene to come to everyone's rescue, and now she was failing. To Rachel's horror, she realized that she could burst into tear then and there. She felt worn out. Without thinking much, Rachel grabbed her phone and started walking downstairs quickly. She did not look back until she had stepped outside the front door. She was careful not to close it so she could go back in. But she needed a moment to herself, and she couldn't risk Lindsey seeing her in this state.

Rachel pressed redialling. He picked up after the third ring.  
"Hi", Rachel's voice broke against her will as soon as she'd heard him say hello. All of a sudden she felt small and inadequate, wanting to be taken by the hand and guided by someone stronger. Exactly what she had been trying to do with Lindsey, unsuccessfully.  
"What's up, are you ok?" he sounded concerned, a bit shocked by her sudden outburst of emotions.  
"I can't help her", Rachel managed to get each word out in between suppressed sobs, thinking that she sounded utterly pathetic, "I'm rubbish."  
"You're not rubbish. You're exhausted. This is a very, very difficult situation and you're handling as well as you can."  
Rachel managed to bring her stifled crying gradually to a stop. She started to explain about the brief moment Lindsey had opened the door, how devastatingly miserable Lindsey had looked, and how she had shut her out again.  
"But she did open the door."  
"Yes but only for a minute, and only for a few inches."  
"It's something, though, Rachel. You got her to do that. It's a step forward. Maybe she wasn't ready yet to open the door completely. Maybe in a while she will be."  
"Maybe, maybe. I don't know! She hasn't eaten for ages now. She looked so weak."  
"She's young. Her body can take it for a while."  
"I don't seem to be able to take it, if I go to pieces like this," Rachel said dejectedly.  
"It's because you care so much. It's not because you're weak," his voice sounded loving, even admiring.  
"Thank you." Rachel said half-heartedly, but a bit more confidently.  
"Next time, she might leave the door open."  
"I hope you're right."  
A few minutes later, Rachel hung up. She carefully wiped her face dry, removing her smudged mascara, and then went back inside, apprehensive, but with renewed hope.


	13. Chapter 13

Lindsey's body had gone limb again. She was sitting with her forehead resting on her knees, not making any sound. She could not help herself - she was listening for a sign that Miss Mason was still there. Nothing. Had she left when Lindsey had shut the door? The thought was too scary and painful to think through. Lindsey admitted it to herself that she wanted Miss Mason there, even though she had basically shut the door in her face. She needed her. She longed for her reassuring presence. Without her, she felt so alone. Alone with the demons that were speaking to her in her father's voice, reaching for her with his hands, planting his twisted thoughts in her brain. Lindsey would have given anything to get out of her body, which still felt his touch. And to get out her head, which had stored every moment, the briefest encounters to hour-long ordeals, in such crystal clear images and sounds that Lindsey felt like she was reliving them almost as if they were real every time they crept up in her consciousness.

Rachel stood in the hallway, looking upstairs. She felt like she was gathering her energy for the final battle, the real thing. It wouldn't be the last battle she'd ever fight by Lindsey's side, but she was determined not to leave her again until she had gotten through to her. If she had to stay all day and all night, so be it. Cheering herself on thus and remembering Chris's encouraging words, Rachel climbed up the stairs. She felt like she was literally climbing a mountain here. When she got to Lindsey's door, she did not hesitate.  
"Lindsey?" she exclaimed, talking to the door, "I'm back. I'm sorry I left you for a moment without telling you about it, that won't happen again."

Lindsey's heart leaped like she had just missed a massive step. Immediately her eyes filled with tears again without her knowing why. She only realized then how deeply upset she had been by Rachel's sudden departure, and that she was actually crying tears of relief. She leaned against the door like leaning against a shoulder, occasionally heaving with sobs.

Rachel heard Lindsey's sobs quickly following her words. Let me in, she begged in her head, let me in.  
"I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry if that's because I left. You have a lot to be upset about. It's okay."  
Rachel kneeled down in front of the door.  
"It's okay," she repeated, "It's not your fault. I'm here, Lindsey. It's ok."

Lindsey could not stop crying. It was as if the floodgates had opened for real this time. She had cried before since Rachel had come, but not between that and the trial, and this time was different. For the first time in ages, she felt something close to safe. Rachel's words and presence gave her the feeling that it was the right time and place to cry, that it was okay. Lindsey wrapped her arms around herself as waves of pain rushed over her, came and went, like they'd never stop.

"I'm here with you, you're not alone," Rachel repeated again, pouring all of her heart into these words, hoping they would help Lindsey bear the pain. She could hear Lindsey sob like never before. Like she had never been really free to cry about it for all those years. All those tears that had been held back, swallowed, not shown to her mum or anyone else, were now coming to the surface, running down Lindsey's face and neck, wetting the collar of her shirt. The 11-year old girl cried about her father turning out to define love in a way that felt wrong, confusing and hurtful. The 12-year old girl cried about wanting to tell her mom, but being told that her mom would stop loving her if she did. The 13-year old girl cried about being told that she wanted it, that it was her choice, so she had no right to complain. The 14-year old girl cried because she felt so ashamed. The 15-year old girl cried about her dad never showing her any affection unless she obeyed his sick wishes. The 16-year old girl cried about having killed her father, and about the damages that remained and that his death could in no way repair. She cried about what lay ahead of her in the future, how it terrified her. She cried because she wanted to be held and comforted without feeling afraid of nearness.

Rachel sat with Lindsey, repeating the same words of comfort over and over again, knowing it was all she could do right now.  
"I'm here for you."

There was a sudden click. The key was turning.


	14. Chapter 14

It wasn't a conscious decision. Lindsey followed an instinct so strong it took hold of her body despite her ongoing weeping. She reached for the key. She turned it.

Rachel held her breath. Her heart started racing. This was it. This time she would not fail Lindsey, she would be there for her, do the right thing, whatever that was.

Still kneeling on the floor, Lindsey grabbed the door handle and pulled it down. The door swung open towards her. The opening was just wide enough for Lindsey to see Miss Mason, kneeling in front of her. She was there. Somebody was there. She wasn't alone any more. Lindsey's crying became more violent and she buried her face in her hands.

Rachel had prepared herself for this moment, but her heart still contorted painfully as she was faced with the full picture of Lindsey's misery. Lindsey was kneeling on the floor, right in front of the door, her face in her hands, elbows on the floor. Her body was shaking with sobs. It became altogether clear again that although she was the one who had survived, she was a victim. This was the other side to the girl who had successfully revolted against her tormentor. This was the child who surrendered in defeat, who had been beaten.  
Rachel shifted herself towards Lindsey, so that she was sitting right next to her, leaning her back against the doorframe.  
"It's okay," she said again, laying her hand on Lindsey's back. She wasn't sure how much physical contact Lindsey was comfortable with. But Lindsey leaned towards her, her face still covered in her hands. Rachel was ready to catch her. Finally, Lindsey had broken down the walls. She put her head down on Rachel's chest, letting herself fall. Rachel put her arms around her, trying to hold her carefully, trying to make her feel safe. Lindsey very gradually relaxed into Rachel's embrace and let her arms fall down, tears now running down her face freely. Rachel did not say anything at first, she was lost for words, all her focus being on trying to help Lindsey bear the pain, holding her as it spread through her body in recurring waves. Then she just whispered words of comfort and reassurance into Lindsey's ruffled hair.

It took a long time for Lindsey's crying to gradually subside into occasional sobs, which finally disappeared too.  
"I'm sorry." Lindsey whispered, when her breathing had calmed down, still resting against Rachel.  
"You don't have to be sorry."  
Lindsey slowly retreated from Rachel's arms, until she sat next to her. She did not dare to look at Rachel, she was frightened of what her response would be, embarrassed that she had thrown herself onto her like that. Lindsey almost timidly wiped her face with her hand.  
Rachel rummaged in her pocket and passed her a tissue. Lindsey blew nose.  
"I'm sorry," Lindsey repeated, twisting the tissue with her hands and staring down at it.  
"It's okay. I'm happy to be hear for you."  
There was another pause. Lindsey still wasn't looking at Rachel.  
"What do I do now?" She asked finally, looking up into Rachel's eyes.  
Rachel smiled at her.  
"It's up to you. What do you feel like doing?"  
"I don't know."  
"How do you feel about me calling your mum? She's looking forward to seeing you very much."  
"Okay."  
"And then, maybe we could have some breakfast?"  
The thought of food made Lindsey realize just how hungry she was, and for the first time she felt like this feeling was actually hers, like she had gotten a bit of her body back.


	15. Chapter 15

Lindsey followed Rachel down the stairs.  
"I'll be with you in a second, I'll just ring your mum," Rachel said when they had reached the bottom. Lindsey froze on the spot for a moment, staring into Rachel's eyes like a deer in headlights, like being suddenly on her own again overwhelmed her. But then she walked towards the kitchen. She is not abandoning me, Lindsey tried to remind herself.  
Marion picked up immediately. It was obvious that she had been waiting for a call.  
"Lindsey's come out."  
Rachel heard Marion sob with relief briefly before she could answer.  
"I'm coming."

Lindsey was sitting at the kitchen table, her hands resting on it, staring blankly in front of her. It reminded Rachel of the trial, when she had also found Lindsey like this, at a table, looking lost.  
Lindsey was hungry, but she didn't feel like she had the energy to carry out everyday tasks like finding food, putting it on plate, eating it. So she just sat. Waiting for Miss Mason to come back.  
"I'm starving," said Rachel, almost cheerfully, "I really fancy some eggs. Shall I make some for you too?"  
"Yes, please," Lindsey voice was monotone, without any excitement or live in it.  
Rachel founds some eggs in the fridge and a frying pan in one of the cupboards. She decided to go for omelette and picked up a few more ingredients to add, mushrooms and tomatoes, turning her back to Lindsey and towards the counter. While she was preparing the food, she resisted the urge to fill the silence with meaningless chatter. She wanted to give Lindsey time and space. She had come out, that was the main thing. She did not want to scare Lindsey off again by pushing her. So for a while nothing but the sound of Rachel washing and cutting up vegetables could be heard.

"I know about you past, Miss, you know, you being a… Amy told me. What… what was that like?"  
Rachel was taken aback by the question and almost cut her finger slicing a tomato. Why was Lindsey bringing this up now? These memories were painful and usually well buried. Rachel very much wanted to forget what it had been like. What was going through Lindsey's head? What could she reply to her question? She turned around and looked at Lindsey directly.  
"It wasn't very pleasant," she said honestly.  
"I think I was doing the same thing. I sold myself to him. I did what he wanted and in exchange, he was friendly to me for a bit, he even gave me gifts from time to time. It's like we were having a deal, some sort of contract."  
"It was not the same thing. I was adult. I was responsible for my own actions; I was making choices, however wrong they may have been. You, on the other, you're a child. An adult that was supposed to look after you and that you wanted to love you took advantage of you in a most cruel and manipulating way. You never had a choice."  
Lindsey looked down at her hands.  
"One day, he bought me a small bottle of my mum's perfume. He told me I had to hide it from her and was only allowed to put it on when I had one of my "special dates" with him. I began to hate the smell. It made me want to vomit. One day I lost it and smashed the bottle on the bathroom floor. I lied to him and told him it was an accident. But I was so terrified I didn't lie very well. He got very angry. The bathroom stank of perfume for a week. My mum kept telling me off because she thought I was secretly using hers. I never told her the truth."  
Rachel did not know why, but this story touched something deep inside her. It reminded her of what it had been like. The act she had had to put on to please. Not unlike putting on horrible heavy, stinking perfume. It stayed with you for hours, even after it was over. Or maybe it never truly left.


	16. Chapter 16

Rachel placed a plate of omelette in front of Lindsey.

"There you go," she said smiling, encouraging, "I don't know where the cutlery is."  
"Top drawer next to the sink," replied Lindsey without looking up.  
Rachel got out some forks and sat down with her own plate opposite Lindsey. She started eating, but couldn't help watching apprehensively whether Lindsey would start eating, too. She suppressed the urge to edge her on. Finally, Lindsey picked up her fork and took a tiny bit of omelette into her mouth. She swallowed it.

So strange, Lindsey thought, I had forgotten what it's like to eat. What it's like when your mouth is watering and your stomach is urging you too take more bites quickly.  
"Maybe I'm alive after all," without thinking, Lindsey had said her last thought out loud.  
"What do you mean?"  
"When I was in my room… I wanted so much to disappear. And I felt that that was kinda happening. I became completely numb. I didn't care anymore. My body… i didn't have a connection to it anymore. You know, a lot of the time I hate my body. Sometimes I think if I hadn't not been a pretty little girl, this would not have happened. My dad kept saying that with me being such a little angel, he couldn't help himself. That he was a man, and that a man needed certain things, and that I was rubbing it in his face all the time because I was pretty. So it was my fault and I couldn't blame him," Lindsey had said all this without emotion in her voice, but during the last few words the pain she was holding back was shining through again, and her voice became a desperate whisper.

"It was not you fault. No matter what you did or what you looked like, nothing gave your father the right to do what he did. And nothing about you caused it. It was something about him, something sick and cruel and wrong that made him do those things to you. It wasn't you."

They had both stopped eating. Rachel took Lindsey's hand. Lindsey was staring at her plate.  
"I know that me saying this once won't erase what your father told you and made you believe for years. But I will say it to you again and again, and maybe one day you will be able to believe it too, because it's the truth."

"Maybe," Lindsey whispered. It was all she could muster, all the little fragile faith she had.  
Rachel took a few more bites. Lindsey was still holding her fork, but did not move it.

"You know, when I was all numb and things… I was still getting all those memories in my head. I couldn't really disappear. And then you came."

Rachel wasn't sure what to make of these last words. Whether they were grateful or reproachful. Or just a simple statement.  
"And then what happened when I came?"

"I started feeling again. At first that terrified me. That's why I didn't let you in at first. I didn't want to feel again. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to handle it, that I'd be swallowed whole. But then it just all started coming out. I felt like I was sinking into a dark whole, like I'd never be able to come out of it again. But your presence, hearing your voice, it was like I could hold on to that somehow. Like it stopped me from drowning."

Rachel was speechless for moment. She was deeply touched by Lindsey's words. She blinked away unexpected tears in her eyes. She placed her hand on Lindsey's again.  
"I'm glad you didn't disappear. And I won't let you drown."


	17. Chapter 17

When they both had finished their plates, silence hung in the air. Rachel did not know what to do. She desperately wanted to ask Lindsey what the solicitor had said to her, as she still assumed that that had triggered Lindsey's withdrawal. But she also knew that Marion would be home any minute, any she did not want them to be interrupted when speaking about such serious and important things. She feared that it might make Lindsey shut down again.

"Your mum should be home any minute."

Rachel couldn't tell from Lindsey's reaction whether she was pleased or not, as Lindsey just continued to stare at her hands. She knew Lindsey was very close to her mum and loved her very much. Lindsey's heart-wrenching cries and pleas for her mum at the trial were still vivid in her memory. Lindsey had also confessed because she did not want her mum to take the blame for something she had done. But something had made Lindsey shut her mum out. Maybe she felt guilty. Rachel didn't know.

They both looked up as they heard the key turn in the front door open as Marion entered the house.  
"Lindsey?" Marion called out anxiously.  
Lindsey didn't reply.  
"We're in the kitchen," Rachel felt obliged to respond.  
Marion came running toward them. She immediately approached Lindsey and threw her arms around her.  
"Lindsey, my baby, Mum's here."  
Lindsey gradually responded to Marion's embrace. After a few moments, Marion withdrew a bit, her hands still resting on Lindsey's arms, looking at her intently.  
"Are you ok?" Marion's voice was on the edge of panic.  
"Yes, Mum."  
"What happened?"  
"Nothing happened," Lindsey her hard, cold appearance back, the way she had presented herself when she had first come to Waterloo Road.

Rachel was still sitting at the kitchen table, watching the two. She didn't know whether she should leave them alone to give them some privacy, but something made her want to stay with Lindsey. She had very mixed feelings. On the one hand, she felt deeply sorry for Marion for what she had been through with her violent husband. On the other hand, her loyalty was with Lindsey. Sometimes, thoughts she didn't want to have crept into her mind of how Marion had not protected her daughter the way a mother should. How she couldn't have missed what was happening between her husband and her daughter over all these years, unless she had wanted to miss it. Rachel knew that wasn't fair. She knew she was in no position to judge. But often thoughts crossed her mind that started with "If she was my daughter, I would … ". She then had to remind herself every time that Lindsey wasn't her daughter. And there was part of her that wanted that to be different. Rachel forced her mind back to the present.

"Of course something happened! Please Lindsey, you can tell me. You can tell me anything."  
"Please, Mum, I don't want to talk about it now."  
Marion stared at her desperately for a moment. Then she pressed Lindsey at herself once more and kissed the top of her head, tears shining in her eyes.  
"Okay, baby, that's okay."  
Lindsey didn't object to Marion's hug, but she did not let herself go and be truly held the way she had done with Rachel. Lindsey wasn't sure herself why her mum's presence for so hard to bear at the moment. When she had been in prison, she had longed for her every day, every minute. But now it was like it was overwhelming her. Her mum's pain and fear were Lindsey's pain and fear, too. She had to face things she wasn't ready to face. She couldn't escape them when she looked into her mother's eyes.  
"I'm really exhausted mum. I want to lie down for a bit, have a nap."  
Rachel could tell that every cell in Marion's body longed to be near Lindsey and was terrified to let her go again.  
"You won't –"  
"I won't lock myself in again," Lindsey interrupted rather harshly, "I promise."  
Lindsey turned to face Rachel. She looked at her intently for a moment. Rachel smiled a small smile, but her eyes were full of concern. She wasn't sure what Lindsey was trying to tell her. There was something piercing in Lindsey's eyes. Was it fear? Or was it pleading? Don't leave me, they seemed to beg.

But it was Lindsey who got up and left the room, who went up the stairs again.  
When they heard Lindsey's bedroom door shut once more, Marion buried her face in her hands and started to cry. Rachel heard herself speak words of comfort, but she wasn't really present. Her thoughts were with Lindsey.


	18. Chapter 18

Marion tried to compose herself. She wiped the tears off her face.

"I don't understand", her voice was shaking, "I'm her mum…"  
She stared at Rachel, desperate for answers.  
"Maybe that's why. Lindsey loves you so very much. Maybe she wants to protect you."  
"I'm the one who should be protecting her. Who should have protected her. I've failed her."  
Marion's voice broke again during the last few words. Rachel placed her hand on Marion's.  
"You need to focus on how you can help Lindsey now. You cannot change what happened in the past."  
One day you and Lindsey will have to work through the horrors in your past together, Rachel added in her mind, but she didn't think it was the right time to say that to Marion. One day at a time. One hour, one minute at a time? Rachel had no plan, no idea of what would happen next.

Lindsey sat down on her bed, resting against the wall, her arms around her knees. What did just happen, she asked herself. I pushed my mum away. I hurt her. But I couldn't help myself. I'm such a crap daughter. With Miss Mason, I can just be myself. Feel whatever I feel. I know she is strong. She can take it. She doesn't love me like mum does. It doesn't break her heart like it breaks mum's when she sees me upset.

Marion and Rachel sat in silence for while. Rachel was sure that Marion was hurting. Lindsey had come out when Rachel was there, and she had positively fled when her mum came. She did not ask Rachel about the details of what had happened. Maybe because it killed her that she had not been there, hadn't been the one Lindsey had opened the door to.

"Why can't I deal with this like you can? Why can I not get through to her like you can?"  
Marion must have been thinking along the same lines as Rachel.

"Because I am not a part of this. I'm not a victim. Both you and Lindsey have been hurt and you both need to recover from this. Because each of you has their own deep wounds, you may not always be in the best position to help each other, but you can go through this together. And come out on the other side." During the last words Rachel squeezed Marion's hand.  
"I hope we will come out of this," but Marion did not sound hopeful.  
"Me too," replied Rachel honestly. She knew that making promises or showing false optimism was not the right thing to do. She had no idea how things would end for Lindsey after the trial. She just had to hope.

"You can go home now," said Marion matter-of-factly. It wasn't an order or a request, it was a statement.  
Rachel hesitated for a moment. Part of her did not want to leave Lindsey, was desperate to hold on to the connection they had built when Lindsey had come out, and to take it further. But she knew that after all, she was an intruder into this family, and that some things were beyond her power.  
"Ok," she said softly, "You know how to reach me."  
"Thank you", Marion's voice was exhausted, on the verge of breaking again.  
"I'm going to tell Lindsey that I'm leaving. If she's awake."  
Somehow it seemed important to Rachel to tell that to Lindsey herself. Marion did not object, she just nodded. Rachel left the kitchen and walked up the stairs, a familiar routine. She lightly knocked on Lindsey's door. No response. Maybe she's asleep, Rachel thought, although she doubted it.  
"Lindsey", she said quietly, "I'm leaving."

Lindsey's heart contracted. She wanted to shout out, no, please don't go, but she just sat on her bed, frozen.

Rachel did not know what else to say. Then she rummaged in her bag for a small piece of paper, onto which she wrote her phone number.  
"I'm leaving you my number. You can call me anytime."  
She put the paper under the door.

Rachel drove home to her house automatically, without making a conscious decision. She felt a desperate need to be in her own, familiar space, where she felt safe. She was had no idea how she had actually gotten there when she parked the car at her house, her mind still seemed miles away. But when she stepped inside, all the appearance of strength that she had kept up at Lindsey's house fell off her. Rachel realized that she was shaking, exhausted, and that she did not want to be alone. She wanted to be held like she had held Lindsey, and she wanted to be told that it would be okay. Rachel collapsed on the sofa and dialled a familiar number, her whole body relaxing with relief when she heard him pick up.


	19. Chapter 19

Rachel felt a smile spreading on her face when she opened the door. He smiled back at her, his head slightly tilted to the side, his hands in his pockets.

"Hi."  
"Hi."  
Chris stepped inside. Rachel laid her hand on his chest and slowly moved forward to kiss him. He put his arms around her in response. When their lips met, it was as if everything fell of Rachel, all her worries about the past day and the future. She was just present in the moment, focussing on nothing else but how soft his lips felt and how safe she felt in his arms.

Lindsey was staring at the piece of paper from her bed. When she had heard Rachel walk down the stairs, she had needed all her self-control not to get up and run after her. She wanted to hold Rachel back and beg her to stay. But she remained where she was, until Rachel's steps faded and she heard the front door shut. The whole house seemed to become deadly quiet, like no one lived there anymore.

Rachel took Chris's hand wordlessly and walked with him up the stairs to her bedroom. She did not want to lose this feeling of being completely in the present. She just wanted to be with him, no distracting thoughts, no worries, no talking, just to be with him, as close as possible, with nothing in the way between them.

Lindsey could not restrain herself any longer. She slid off her bed and crawled towards the piece of paper. Her heart was beating fast. Laying down on the floor, she took it in her hand carefully. She stroked along the numbers with her fingertips. Her heart ached, but she wasn't sure why. In a way, she felt immensely comforted and equally alone at the same time.

Rachel was lying with her head resting on Chris's chest, her arms wrapped tightly around her. He was holding her, occasionally gently stroking her back and her hair. They still hadn't spoken much. Gradually, Rachel felt how her mind was drawn away from this moment, from the two of them together, back to Lindsey, back to the last two days. She knew that this was inevitable, but she still sighed.  
"What is it?" Chris asked gently.  
Rachel did not know what to respond.  
"You're worried." It wasn't question.  
"It was a difficult day for me."  
"I know," Chris kissed the top of her head und held her more closely.  
"I don't think I've done enough. Or if I've done too much. I don't know anything anymore," Rachel whispered powerlessly.  
"You've done what you felt was right, and I'm sure you've done your best. I trust your intuition."  
Rachel did not have the energy to voice her doubts or to argue about her abilities, so she just left his words hanging in the air, listening to his heartbeat.


End file.
